I have finally switched over to my own hosted WordPress blog so I can have more of the freedom I have always wanted.

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I am looking forward to making this new site the place for me to continue sharing my personal stories, thoughts and writings. To listen to me live on Mondays and follow along with my radio show, check out www.thebaubshow.com

And above all, if you have made it this far, you must care about me and what I have going on, so I just wanted to add a quick thank you for following me!

Today’s exercise… a memoir snapshot contrasting my teenage struggles with overcompensating adult abundance.

I was awkward.

I know we all say that, but, well, I was.

My teeth were as yellowed as my sun-in hair.

They were also as crooked as my taste in music which was Debbie Gibson and Madonna, while trying to keep up with my few friends who listened heartily to The Cure and Depeche Mode.

Between the crooked and the yellow, in the few photos you can find of me, you rarely find me smiling.

Sure, to the outside theorist, I wasn’t smiling because my home life was Hell.

Too cliche?

Well, I was, after all, an American teenager in the late eighties.

We were the generation that inevitably developed into slackers and grunge.

It also didn’t help that my mother left her drugs around the house and had a revolving door of men parading out of her bedroom.

There may have been some warranted angst involved.

But really it was because I was embarrassed of my smile.

I was also beanstalk skinny. Lanky.

Something I would spend my adult years disbelieving as I battled weight issues of the opposite spectrum.

Disbelieving because I had blocked the good with the bad of my youth in one organic lump as though I were born into this world at age twenty.

My plumped weight, which I am sure began as a symbol of my burgeoning successes.

A sign that my life had gone from bleak and malnourished to abundant and overflowing.

As life is wont to do, without balance, my successes became my darkest adult torment.

A scrawny unliked teenager who didn’t love himself became a fat over-loved adult who didn’t love himself.

Half-way through my thirties, I finally am finding the balance.

The middle.

The yin and yang of my body, mind and heart.

The ability to receive love offers me the ability to love.

The ability to love myself requires less validation from external sources and allows me to be more selfless and kind.

Nourishment that is not deprived nor overwhelmed, but plenty.

The ability to find fond moments from my adolescence I was sure never existed.

To safely remember my past without fear of being forcefully delivered back in time.

To look back and smile at my silly yellow hair.

And be thankful for my now white teeth.

In a healthy loved body that is neither too skinny and lanky or too swollen and plump.

With a smile I shine cartoonishly wide in every photo, proudly and confidently.

A symbol of how far I’ve come and a foundation to go furthermore.

Sensitively, Stephanie speaks softly.

“Sir, surely since stripes seem slimming, she should select styled such suits.”

Surprised she spoke, stylist Stefano says, “surely, she should”.

Sans silence, Stephanie steps stoically, swirling, spinning.

Successful sale.

Suzanne Somers smirks, sensational suit sold.

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

Here’s a website I think you’ll like: Pop Cult: ‘Back to the Future’ Date Hoax Goes Viral

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

I have watched every episode of this show since season one.
It amazes me how it gets me excited season after season.
This was my first taping.
And I got to meet some of my all time faves.
If this still counts as my birthday week, I never want it to end.
Did you see the NappyTabs routine with Alex and Twitch?
One of the best in SYTYCD history!
Speaking of NappyTabs, they were on my flight home from Vegas on Monday.
I found it inappropriate to chat them up at the airport and even more so as they sat two rows away.
But tonight, I couldn't help but gush to Tabitha.
Did you see the routine? Seriously.
I am so glad I did.
Not only is she an awesome choreographer, but super sweet.
And by sheer coincidence, tonight's show featured Deborah's version of "Let Me Entertain You".
It was a proud moment as a friend. An exciting moment as a fan.
Speaking of friends, I have my eyes set on Cat Deeley.
I just want to drink wine and laugh with her.
She is stunning up close.
Mia Michaels commands all of the presence and respect you would think.
I could see having a lot of fun with her.
Pasha and Twitch? They could be renamed sweet and lovely.
Lauren? A total delight.
Many special thanks to my friend Sunja for taking such good care of us tonight.
To Adam Shankman for having the sense to take such good care of Sunja that she could take such good care of us.
And to my friend Mandy for making me the happiest plus one today.
I can't even say for the week, because did you hear about my Sunday?
What a week. What a month. What a birthday. What a fabulous time to be me.
Remind me of this capsule of time if you ever hear me whiny or depressed!

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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So much more to say, but I have another full day of Vegas to get through.

Thank you again for all of the sweet kind words yesterday!

xo

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

Posted via email from The Baub Show

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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Cento Su Cento
Castel Di Salve
Primativo
Www.castelsisalve.com
2007 Rosso

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

Posted via email from The Baub Show

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

Posted via email from The Baub Show

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

Posted via email from The Baub Show

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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On my way for some morning horseback riding!

– Sent with positive vibrations from my Palm Pre

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In March of 2009, just a little over a year ago, I started my first "professional/business attire" job in thirteen years. To clarify, I have worked in movie production all of those years and while my jobs have always been professional, well, let's just say, when you spend most days on set in shorts, every day is casual Friday. But with the new job, came the daunting realization that I would not only have to dress nice, but actually, gulp, tuck in my shirt.

I drove myself to Kmart for a new pair of slacks. Kmart and JC Penny, I have to say have been very good to me these last few years. They really are the only two stores that carry affordable "big men's" clothing and do it with some actual style. I was, up until that day, in total and complete denial about my increasing weight. I knew I was feeling heavier. I knew I was looking heavier in photos (so I just stopped appearing in them) and I knew none of my clothes were fitting. But I also knew I refused to make myself feel bad again and put myself on a diet. I had tortured myself enough with that for years.

So in disbelief with a heavy scent of denial, I bought a pair of slacks with a 48-inch waist. They were snug, but they fit "like they were supposed to". Meaning, I could tuck in my shirt and I wouldn't have that horrible red ring around my waist where the pants had spent the day strangling my body.

If you can imagine it, I still didn't set foot into Jenny Craig for another two months after that day (and a few more pairs of pants). My Jenny Craig journey is another story for another day, but suffice to say, while I lost some weight last year, I also found some weight. I started this year off with the same looming predicament. Since April, I have been on this program and it has been paying off in dividends. Freedom from food addiction. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from the "big men's" department.

And today, I wanted to share all of this, because as I get ready for my birthday drinks this evening, I have been frustrated lately with the way my clothes have been fitting. While I have taken off 62 pounds since the day in the Kmart dressing room, I still have another 80 to go until I am where I belong. It would be silly to waste money on temporary clothes on my way down (in spite of how many clothes I bought that became temporary on the way up), but last night I was walking through the mall and Old Navy was doing everything short of escorting me into their store with all of their banners for their "Everything is 30% Off Sale".

So I went in thinking, it would be nice to have a pair of jeans that fit. I have been happy in recent months to be back down to a 42. Lately, I have been squeezing into some of my old size 40s. Last night, I grabbed a 40, and still, it was too big. I inhaled and thought, well, it's been about 6 years, but it is worth a shot. I tried on a 38. I couldn't believe it. They fit! Thinking maybe it was just that cut, I grabbed a couple of other pairs. THEY ALL FIT.

I only bought one pair of jeans and a nice pair of linen pants (seriously, you can't believe this sale). I didn't want to overdo it because I don't plan to fit in them for long, The day I hit a 36 will be a monumental day. I haven't been that thin since 1993!

I am going to do it. With confidence. With love. Out of respect for myself. And I just can't wait!

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