Posted by: King Bee | October 13, 2006

An intimate conversation with a friend.

Yesterday morning, I found myself in an IM conversation with a dear friend. She has just moved to a new city to start a new life, yet is still haunted by the demons of her past. Proving that you can always run, but you can never hide from who you are. I wanted to share it because I think it is important to all of us on our journeys to celebrate ourselves. To love ourselves. To be aware of ourselves.To understand ourselves. With it, we can change the world. With love comes acceptance, tolerence, understanding, compassion and kindness. I believe that. Because as cliche as it is, you really can’t love someone else until you love yourself. And imagine how great the world would be if we could all love each other…

Me: hi darling
My Friend:
hi love bug
Me:
I’m ready to get in the shower
My Friend:
I am getting dressed
Me:
but I am watching the Mel Gibson interview
My Friend:
oh?
My Friend:
what is he saying now?
Me:
it’s his first interview
Me:
with Diane Sawyer
Me:
I don’t like him
Me:
and I don’t think this interview is helping
My Friend:
he is not going to be able to recover from the mess
My Friend:
the damage is done
Me:
totally
Me:
lets hate him
My Friend:
ok!
Me:
but not each other
My Friend:
I have been looking to hate someone
My Friend:
he will do
Me:
totally
Me:
We also need to find us someone to love
My Friend:
Hopefully I will find someone here
Me:
one can hope
My Friend:
or let me rephrase, if I ever stop sabotaging myself here
Me:
I certainly hope
My Friend:
I kind of had sex
My Friend:
Tuesday
Me:
only kind of?
Me:
no O?
My Friend:
yeah long story
Me:
with a new guy?
My Friend:
because I am a spaz
Me:
not you
My Friend:
I can’t get the guy I like to fuck me but the new guy got my clothes off in less than 4 hrs
My Friend:
I am so tired of being a spaz bob
My Friend:
it’s killing me
Me:
do you have any power of mind over matter?
My Friend:
not particularly
Me:
because it really is the only way to retrain yourself
Me:
you have to hear the voices in your head
Me:
and then choose the sane voice to talk to them
My Friend:
I have too much work I need to do on myself
My Friend:
it is daunting
Me:
well then I hate to ask
Me:
but why have you been trying to date again?
My Friend:
good question!
My Friend:
because I don’t know how to make the changes without practicing them Me: well the change is loving yourself first and foremost
Me:
and that happens without a man in your life
My Friend:
I’ve gotten closer
My Friend:
I have narrowed the parts that I don’t like down to about 3
My Friend:
which is a far cry better than the 20 million they used to be
Me:
and what are they?
Me:
definitely
My Friend:
the sex hang ups, the body image, the not being good enough/disappointing people
My Friend:
which carries over into being afraid to be vulnerable and having intimacy with a man
Me:
well that third one is one to really pay attention to
My Friend:
yep
My Friend:
I am working on it
My Friend:
this new guy challenges me
My Friend:
but I am not sure he will stick it out
Me:
because you need to take a real look around your landscape
Me:
and recognize you aren’t disappointing anyone
Me:
but yourself
My Friend:
well I do in bed
Me:
but that has to do with number one and two
My Friend:
right
My Friend:
which comes first the chicken or the egg?
Me:
feeling inadequate in bed is because of your loathed body
Me:
but you are talking about fear of disappointing everyone
Me:
that has nothing to do with sex
Me:
that has to do with co-workers, friends and family
Me:
and that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself
My Friend:
yes
Me:
did you ever go to your high school reunion?
My Friend:
no
My Friend:
couldn’t each time
Me: that’s a shame. I highly recommend it to everyone. You’d be amazed how much baggage we carry from those days of yore.
Me: The day we graduated, it was like there was a gun shot that went off in our heads and the race began. Unfortunately, we wake up several years later to find out we were the only ones racing.

Me:
the idea of pleasing everyone is still held on from your past
Me:
when we were teenagers
Me:
and we were fed all of the pressures of the world to succeed and make something of ourselves
Me:
it is much more common than you think
Me:
it is something we all have and had to go through
Me:
I went through it for years especially with my dad
Me:
remember, I wanted him to rescue me from my mother
Me:
and I wanted it so badly I was willing to do anything
My Friend:
right
Me:
and the idea of him being disappointed in me would have been worse than death
Me:
and the disappointment I would project from him would be from anything- from my grades, to Jeremy as a soccer pro and has a hot body so they can go bike riding together, or Amy lives with him so she knows what kind of food he likes and I don’t
Me:
I mean really stupid stupid petty stuff
Me:
WHICH
Me:
I am lucky enough to have learned long ago
Me:
it doesn’t matter what he or anyone else thinks of me.
Me:
and it wasn’t until I dug deep into myself for my own strength and recognized I was on this journey alone
Me:
(meaning I had no one to rely on)
Me:
I became independent and free of caring what anyone thinks of me
Me:
which is also why in the mid 90s I went through a very selfish phase
Me:
where I really wasn’t all that likable
Me:
you either got me or you didn’t and I didn’t care to explain if you didn’t
Me:
in fact there would be bloodshed if you didn’t
Me:
with that said, it has taken me years to find that balance
Me:
because of course we care
Me:
but I had to remove the importance
My Friend:
I don’t recall that phase?
Me:
yeah you do… I was hanging out with Tim a lot
Me:
you had moved away
My Friend:
oh right
Me:
I would get drunk and belligerent
Me:
and loud
Me:
and just not care who I offended
Me:
sort of invincible
Me:
it is okay now if someone says they don’t like me
Me:
but now, I know who my friends are, I know who loves me, and I recognize that I only need a few true people who love me unconditionally
Me:
and as long as I have that
Me:
I don’t need to worry about the rest of the world
Me:
it does mean I am very conscious of how I treat people
Me:
and giving what I get and all of that
Me:
but it was a lot to let go of
My Friend:
yes
My Friend:
sounds like it
Me:
you are on a very short list of people that if I were to disappoint, I would be devastated
Me:
but if I were to meet a stranger today
Me:
they have to like me as is
Me:
I don’t seek or need their approval
Me:
and that is the place you need to get to
Me:
and stop thinking they are two separate beasts – dating and friends
My Friend:
right
My Friend:
yes
Me:
they are all relationships
My Friend:
you are totally correct
Me:
and relationships are how we relate to people
Me:
and you are in just as much turmoil over a new colleague liking you, as you are a possible date
Me:
and that is just too much pressure
Me:
it is no wonder you want to explode
Me:
especially when every single person in your daily life right now is a new person you are meeting
My Friend:
uh huh
Me:
you need to take yourself to your ground zero
My Friend:
break it all down you mean?
Me:
yes Me: and say, “I have family and my best friend here”
Me:
and you have to know in your heart of hearts, which you obviously knew or you never could have moved there
Me:
you have to know that they are in fact enough
Me:
they love you wholly
Me:
and unconditionally
Me:
and if not one other person in that town ever liked you and you never made another friend
Me:
you are in fact going to be fine
Me:
you start there
Me:
and strip it to that
My Friend:
ok
Me:
and hold true every time you hear those voices in your head
Me:
and then every new person you meet
Me:
they are gravy
Me:
they enhance
Me:
they add to an already filling dish
Me:
and some of them you will like
Me:
and some of them you won’t
Me:
and some of them will like you
Me:
and some of them won’t
Me:
but we aren’t in high school anymore
Me:
the popularity contest is over
Me:
once you stop worrying about what others think of you
Me:
that layer of insecurity will literally melt off of you
Me:
and when that layer is gone
Me:
you actually become that much more attractive to people
Me:
and the irony is you already exude some of that
My Friend:
yeah I know
My Friend:
weird huh?
Me:
you always talk about how people see you as this confident sassy dame
Me:
it’s not weird
Me:
it is proof
Me:
proof that you are the one holding yourself back
Me:
the good news is, it is proof that this is YOUR issue
My Friend:
ha
My Friend:
yes
Me:
and something you can deal with
Me:
and NOT an issue of no one really likes you and you are fucked up
Me:
you need to start seeing and receiving what everyone else is seeing in you
Me:
I told you; I began that practice a year ago
Me:
and it has really saved me
Me:
and I know one of your fears is that if you start loving yourself
Me:
you will lose modesty
Me:
you will lose humbleness
Me:
and there will go grace
Me:
and now you become arrogant
Me:
and now you are really a dislikable person
My Friend:
get out of my head
Me:
and now not only are you back to where you started
Me:
but you are even worse
Me:
because now you have a valid reason why people don’t like you
Me:
BUT
Me:
I am hear to give you my gospel
Me:
and tell you to do it without fear
Me:
because I promise you
Me:
the more I have learned to love myself
Me:
the more I have allowed myself to love myself
Me:
the more I have allowed myself to receive other’s kind words of me
Me:
the more I have learned the words thank you
Me:
my GRACE has blossomed
Me:
my LOVE has blossomed
Me:
my KINDNESS has blossomed
Me:
my THOUGHTFULNESS has blossomed
My Friend:
you should be a motivational speaker bob
Me:
I could have never predicted that it would be the case
Me: And by no means has it or is it easy. Nor am I perfect. Nor do I not trip and stub my toe from time to time.
Me: However I work at it constantly and the rewards are abundant.
Me: I did it because I didn’t have a choice
Me:
I did it because I recognized in myself where you are
Me:
I saw that I was the one sabotaging myself
Me:
look at my life
Me:
you and I are so similar
Me:
Yet on a scale of relativity
Me:
mine is off the charts
Me:
we have everyone in our lives saying how great we are and how much they love us
Me:
and all of the people we interact with
Me:
and all of the people we have kept in touch with
Me:
when they would say you are… smart, funny, interesting, and neat…
Me:
I finally recognized I was the only person saying, “No I’m not”
Me:
now no matter what and even if I don’t agree
Me:
I say thank you
Me:
and when I say thank you
Me:
I notice that little drip of acid never drops into my stomach
Me:
those little drips that add up
Me:
until I am left with a stomach full of hate and self-loathing
Me:
and I am left fucked up
Me:
when you allow yourself to receive the kind words, you are letting love win out. And once you learn to love yourself, your light will shine and your nightmares will melt away.
Me:
unfortunately I need to get going. And I don’t even know how you are taking all of this.
My Friend:
I am absorbing it all
My Friend:
I love you for taking the time to say all of it
My Friend:
I will re-read it before I go and save it for those moments I falter
Me:
just know that in spite of how you feel, I LOVE YOU. Whole. Faults and all. The only thing. And I do mean the only thing about you that I would ever change is for you to love yourself and see yourself the way I and so many others do.
Me:
I gotta go. LOVE YOU.
My Friend:
k
My Friend:
LOVE YOU
My Friend:
bye!

and from today’s Daily Om:

One Way To Find Out
You Never Know Until You Try

When contemplating whether to do something or not, a plucky voice in our heads may say, “You never know until you try.” This is time-honored wisdom that encourages us to be game rather than to hold back. It reminds us that it is only through experience that we learn about this world and ourselves. Even if we regret the outcome, we have learned something, and the newfound knowledge is almost always worth it.

This wisdom can be applied to situations both large and small. From crossing the Atlantic on a boat to trying Ethiopian food, there’s only one way to find out what it’s like. We have all had experiences where we tried something we didn’t think we’d like and fell in love. We may have found ourselves stuck with nothing to read but a “boring” book, only to kick-start a lifelong passion for Victorian literature. We may have decided that sailing was not for us until we fell in love with someone with a boat. On the other hand, we may try tofu only to learn that it is truly not for us. In this case, we gain greater self-knowledge from the experience. And yet, we might still remain open to trying it prepared in a different way. The right marinade might make you a convert-you’ll never know if you don’t try it.

It is often said that at the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we did not do than the things we did. As an exercise to test your own willingness to discover through doing, try making a list of things you regret not having done. You may begin to notice patterns such as a failure to say what you really think at key moments or closed-mindedness to certain types of activities. Just being aware of the opportunities you missed might encourage you not to miss them again. There’s only one way to find out.

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