Posted by: King Bee | March 23, 2007

The Silence

I wrote this poem when I was 23. I was a bit more dramatic back then, but it definitely is a footprint in the path of my evolution…

There is no moment that I do not wonder.

Where you are or what you are doing.

So many times I want to call and ask you how things are going.

So many times the hurt keeps my fingers from dialing.

So many times I want to write a letter

and express my longing for your heart.

So many times I stare at the blank white page,

too confused with where to start.

I have so many questions and twice as many thoughts.

My mind can’t help but wonder, how it all went so wrong.

Would you recognize me if you saw me?

Would you know what to say?

Do you know how you would greet me?

Would this be your chance to meet me?

Through all the changes and adventures I’ve known,

my heart remains the same.

Through all the heartaches and disappointments,

my spirit continues to grow.

Will any of this you ever know?

What goes through your mind when someone says my name?

What goes through your heart?

Is it loneliness and shame?

I want to know who hurt you

and made you feel betrayed by the world.

I want to know what happened,

to you as a little girl.

I want to ask you why you took it out on me.

Was it pain in your heart, you were trying to set free?

Did you ever really love me?

Or was I just a ploy?

Forced to become a man,

when I should have been a boy.

Forced to play the adult,

primed by adults who were actors.

This was my guidance through childhood.

The irresponsibility, the mayhem;

All the wrong factors.

There are just so many questions,

with answers I’ll never know.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,

but mine has only grown cold.

For all your faults I have known,

my heart of hearts has forgiven.

The lying, the rejection, the betrayal.

All understood, all in the past.

With the exception of one, which I may never understand.

It strangles me like a vine,

wrapping around my throat,

suffocating my breath.

Your silence through the years,

it scares me and it saddens.

Angers as it relieves.

Confuses as it evolves.

It speaks a thousand words

and wounds a hundred hearts.

Your deathlike silence grows more still,

as the distance we share expands furthermore apart.

Someday when you are ninety,

and I am sixty-eight.

Will time have healed the wounds that my psyche can’t forget?

There are so many moments

I wish we could be together.

To reminisce and to share

and to talk about forever.

I know you would be proud

with all things I have accomplished.

I’m only getting started;

My future is improved and polished.

My fears, my losses, my nightmares, my enemies;

constantly decreasing smaller and smaller.

My passions, my visions, my dreams, my loves;

constantly evolving stronger and stronger.

The lessons I have learned is to grieve and to let go.

My heart has been healed, but my soul will always know.

If time has taught me anything,

it’s the uncertainty of the future.

Someday we may pass on the street,

or share a meal together.

Sadly and more likely,

our paths may never cross.

No moment will we share.

Just emptiness and loss.

The silence will just grow,

strangling like a vine.

Wrapped around my throat.

Keeping you on my mind.

Suffocating my heart.

For all eternity…

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