Posted by: King Bee | June 1, 2007

I told you everything

Have you ever been in a relationship with a friend where, try as you might, you just can’t help but want more from them? It starts as a simple friendship and develops into an unrequited love. One is “in” love, the other loves you just, “as a friend”. It’s possibly one of the hardest things we can put ourselves through, and somehow it remains important and beneficial.

It may hurt, but just because it doesn’t go the way we want, I think it is always powerful to love. You grow, change and develop from loving and it is the only way to be open to receiving it. Unrequited love isn’t such a bad thing, as long as the person on the other end isn’t taking advantage of the one doing the extra loving (I’ll save that post for another day).

I wrote the following in 1997 about a friend of mine that I was “in love” with. He loved me too, his “way” just wasn’t clear to me. To this day, we still love and are friends. “We” were just never “in love”. Over the years I could have written the same sentiments a few more times about a few other people with all of my off balanced loving. Fortunately, I’ve finally found something nice and balanced. I called this, “I Told You Everything”.

I still can’t believe I sat you down last December

and told you everything.

Everything.

My hopes.

My dreams.

My desires.

My feelings for you.

The way I feel when you’re away.

The way you make me feel when you are near.

Everything.

And your response.

I don’t know exactly what I wanted it to be.

I suppose the one you gave is the best I could’ve hoped for.

But why then am I still living in this turmoil

when I think about you?

When I close my eyes and I see your face.

When I overhear a conversation

and someone shares your name.

When someone says where they’re from,

and it happens to be where you are.

These simple thoughts

conjure up these very complex emotions.

I think back to that week we spent together.

The laughter we shared.

Getting drunk and going line-dancing.

The heart felt conversation we had sitting on the pier

and looking across the bay to the San Francisco skyline as the sun went down.

The sappy stuff that makes for good romance novels.

It’s no wonder I can’t get you out of my head.

I remember vividly the week the fire started

that lit the torch I carry for you.

I remember a line from the movie LA Story that was so true.

Steve Martin said, “Why is it you can never recall the moment you fall in love with someone, but you can pinpoint the exact second it ends?”

On par, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it started.

I know it was during that week.

I remember when I dropped you off at the airport and I had the most unexpected physical reaction.

My stomach was in knots.

My mind began flashing images of your face.

Your eyes.

Your smile.

Our week together.

My heart felt like someone had a hold of it and were squeezing it as hard as they could.

My eyes were filling with water impairing my vision.

It was then that I knew I was missing more than my friend.

My feelings for you remained at that level for months.

Then you called me from a pay phone in Italy.

Me.

You called me.

You said it was a beautiful moment on your vacation

and you wanted to share it with me.

Me.

You wanted to share it with me.

It was then I fell.

Hook, line and sinker.

But I never told you.

I kept it inside.

I shared it with people close to me,

but not with the person I should have.

When you would call, we were the best of girlfriends.

Chatty and giggly, our worlds were in harmony.

When we would see one another, it was quite a different situation.

I was tense.

I couldn’t speak.

I wanted to touch you, but I was afraid a hug would imply too much.

I wanted to stare at you, but I was afraid you’d stare back

and see what I was dreaming.

Instead I only caught a glance here and there and barely shook your hand when we greeted.

I was a fool.

I was afraid.

If only I had said something sooner, I never would’ve had to have endured that evening.

That evening we went dancing and that boy was all over you.

Looking at you in those ways I always wanted to.

Touching you in ways I had only imagined.

It was more painful than anything I’ve ever known.

But it made me do something I should’ve done long ago.

I told you everything.

Everything.

I told you what my heart told me when I dropped you off at the airport to what my heart told me the night I saw you with him.

Everything.

And you responded.

You said things I never thought I’d hear.

You agreed.

You told me you understood.

You told me you felt the same.

Then why do I feel this way?

Why is it I still can’t get you off of my mind?

We agree we can never be together.

We blame it on the miles between us.

We blame it on our careers being in two separate cities.

We blame it on the years between us.

We blame a lot.

We blame.

But I don’t want to blame anymore.

I want to love.

I want to be released from this prison I’ve locked myself in.

If that sends you away, it is a risk I have to take.

I can’t spend my life wondering what would’ve happened if only…

If only.

Words I hate to live my life by.

And for some reason, it’s been my whole relationship with you.

I can handle being only friends.

That’s not a problem for me.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wanted more.

If I said I didn’t want to walk with you hand in hand.

Awake next to you in your arms.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared about ruining everything that’s so great between us.

Then again, I’m already afraid of the way our relationship is.

I’m afraid my thoughts and emotions always have the best of me.

You are coming to visit me in just 13 days.

It will be our first time together since I faced my fears.

Expressed my emotions.

Opened my heart.

How will I greet you?

Where will my eyes go?

Will you be more uncomfortable around me?

Questioning my every action.

Wondering my every motive.

We will be forced into a situation of sleeping together.

Your friend will be on my couch,

you just inches away in my bed.

Will I be strong enough to show you how I feel

as we lay side by side?

Or will I be weak when we’re lying there.

You asleep.

Me wide awake watching the sun come up.

I am afraid.

I’m afraid for something to happen.

I’m afraid for it to not.

I know it’s now or never

and that is the hardest part.

Only time will tell what happens.

Maybe I have too much going on in my head.

More realistically, I have too much going on in my heart.

I can only hope that no matter what happens, our friendship will remain.

Will always grow stronger and stronger.

Hopefully to the level that I have always dreamed.

The level I know we can’t have.

At worst, the level we are at now.

I know that I love you today.

I know that I loved you yesterday.

My plan is to always love you.

I can only hope you feel the same…

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